Quotes about Funny
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
I never said most of the things I said.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
My inner child is not wounded.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I like children - fried
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
For your information, I would like to ask a question.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
You're only has good as your last haircut.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
I rant, therefore I am.
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
I like marriage. The idea.
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
Never fight an inanimate object.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Recession is when a neighbour loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Never floss with a stranger.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water.
One man's folly is another man's wife.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.
Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
I think serial monogamy says it all.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.